Thursday, December 4, 2008

Trio in Pursuit of Mark Trail Sort of Unlikely, Definitely Unlikeable

December 4, 2008

Mark's captors appear to be making a clean getaway in their shrimp boat, but help is on the swampish horizon, and it's carrying on a make-believe conversaton with an emotionally unavailable dog and screaming from the elbow. Does this search party have what it takes to get the job done? Who are these goofballs, anyway?

1) That guy

Defining Characteristics: Uninspired all-blue outfits, impossible hairline.

Impetus for Saving Mark: He is either Mark's father, or just a friend that Mark refers to condescendingly as "Pop." Regarldess, his motives should be called into question -- in a baseball cap, the man is a deadringer for Mark's assailant:

Assailant, alias "Rabbit," offering a mature explanation for why he kidnapped Mark with a shotgun.

That guy, alias "Pop," taking that raccoon from behind.

2) Andy

Defining characteristics: Gets left behind by Mark a lot. Only animal in the Mark Trail universe that can't talk.

Impetus for saving Mark: Nobody sweats Mark's khaki nuts more than Andy. Plus it was only a matter of time before Andy had to save Mark.

3) That raccoon on Andy's back.

Defining characteristics: That rabid animal on Andy's back. Goes by the name "Sneaky." A strange little girl's pet. Probably a huge pussy.

Impetus for saving Mark: Sneaky's been a big fan of the Trailster ever since the old lug took the time to rescue him from involuntarily participating in a twisted game of "Chained Raccoon vs. Pack of Dogs." Now that Mark's been captured by the very same person that captured him, Sneaky's trying to put an end to all of this kidnapping nonsense. What a terrible character.
There you have it. It's three wussy best friends versus three criminal dunderheads. Who will come out victorious? Too early to tell. The only thing we know so far is that we won't. We are so not winning this one.

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