Zombie Matthau Hunts for a Little Undeserved Sympathy

August 20, 2009

Miraculously, Mark's bumbling would-be assassin didn't die after getting conked in the head with an empty metallic cylinder. One question, Elrod -- where's the disclaimer? You're encouraging youthful Mark Trail fans everywhere to hit each other over the head with empty barrels, and to make matters worse, none of them will die.

Poor, poor Zombie Matthau. All he wanted to do was shoot a young man with a high-powered rifle to warn him about the consequences of snitching on the mafia. Before he knew it, he was setting cars on fire, firing warning shots at Mark, and eventually, attempting to murder Mark after he offered a helping hand out of the woods. And look at him now, beaned on the noggin by a drum. God died today, and Jack Elrod just wrote the eulogy.

In case he doesn't make it, here's a touching tribute to the pinky-fingered assassin, the amateur arsoninst, the unwilling woodsman -- Zombie Matthau*.

*My disclaimer: I know he doesn't always look like Walter Matthau, but appearances can fluctuate (wildly) in Lost Forest, and when I first introduced him to the saga he was the spitting image. When Elrod refused to provide a name of his own, I stuck with Zombie Matthau.

Somebody's About to Get Punnnnched.....

12/11/08

After languishing for days in a boring world dominated by hypothetical saviors and flabby dogs, Jack Elrod wraps up this adventure the only way he knows how -- by insulting our intelligence. No need for a well-layered escape plan here, Andy. Just hop pointlessly over that small box and you're only a few ropes away from leaving Sinister Stork's Super-Sinister Shrimp Boat forever.

Unconcerned about waking his captors', Mark expresses his gratitude with a traditional Elrod-ian scream, the preferred method of communication for any Trail-related encounter. Readers unaccustomed to so many emphatic statements may have trouble relating, but the rules of the game are relatively simple. If you are Mark Trail and you find yourself

A) jumping to dubious conclusions about what little girls are anxious to see

B) diffusing sexual tension by talking like a robot with down syndrome

or

C) pointing out someone's unlawfulness as you physically assault them

then you have the green light to yell as loudly as you want.

The guards certainly didn't heighten the degree of difficulty for Mark's escape, but in their defense, that Pelican did say he was going to give them their share of the kidnapping money in a couple of hours, not a couple of days. You gotta sleep sometime.

Mark Trail has clearly regained the leverage in this affair. The question now is how will he use it. Expect punching. Lots and lots of punching.