Wake Up Patty, Nobody's Trying to Bed the Deer But You -- Recap Time

1/28/09



Mark's adventures take him to all sorts of naturey places and involve many different types of characters, but they all seem to follow a similar game plan. What we find ourselves mired in right now is a phase of that game not unlike a butterfly's struggle to emerge from the cocoon. Lots of new limbs and floundering, with few signs of progress. Initially, this phase may be interesting and new, but after 3 or 4 weeks, it gets boring, frustrating, makes you want to rip your teeth out, etc. Hopefully, we are nearing the end of this awkward introduction to the Saga of Patty. In that spirit, let's take a quick look back at what's happened so far.



No, Patty's not all right, Cherry. And it's got little to do with that sleeve's love affair with the booby part of her coat. A more devious problem lurks behind those blonde tresses. Something more unnatural and nefarious.

She totally wants to get stag-blasted by that baby man-deer, and her 'little friend' seems intrigued by the prospect. A third player has thrown his heart into the game, however. His name is

KEN

Scowly lumberman Ken is betrothed to Patty and easily the angriest man in Lost Forest. Patty's little deer friend appears to be the frontrunner for the blonde bombshell's affections, but Ken has advantages of his own. For starters, he doesn't shy away from honest discourse about his impotency...

What's more, his hands move quickly enough to disable an opponent without physical contact, offering him plausible deniability for numerous airslap assaults against his wife.

How can he be jealous? Stupid question, Patty. The man is the surliest ventriloquist in the Western Hemisphere...




...he's probably been jealous about matters less triffling than young bucks courting his wife.

So where does Mark fit into this love triangle? Find out in the next installment of "Recap: The beginning of the introduction to the Saga of Patty."

Holiday Recap Part 2: The Suggestive Aftermath

12/31/08

Looks like Mr. Elrod decided to buck the trend and wrap up this adventure by the end of the week. Guess he thought all of the smarmy bloggers would be too preoccupied with New Year's festivities to remember their obligation to smarm. Tough chutney, Jack-o. It's in the spirit of meritless vegeance that I present the second (and final) holiday recap of this flawed tale.

The unsteady pace of the narrative has thrown the aging process completely off-course, and it's taking a toll on Mark's face. Rounded, cherubic features wizen into an angular, pensive mess in but a panel's time. Plus, we learn that rural policemen wear blue cowboy hats.

Our woodsy journalist has got to be happy with the overall outcome of his kidnapping. Not only did he successfully escape his would-be deporters, but Mark even managed to conjure up some completely unfounded drug-smuggling accusations in the process. I looked back through my archives to find any hint of drug-related activity since the Ruffled Crotch Crew worked their way into the storyline. You know what I found?

Mark seems to be the only one lending any credence to his theory, without any hard evidence to back it up. In fact, December 31st is the first time drugs are ever mentioned. Not quite sure why Elrod thinks he can slip that by a devoted reader. There aren't exactly a lot of loose ends to tie up at the end of a Mark Trail adventure.

You know what else I discovered? Sue looks weird when she's patronizing people....

Sue is also a big perv....

Pop masks the shame that comes with be a procrastinating, buggy-mistaking jerkfuck by surrounding himself with rabid animals and soon-to-be-rabid children...

and that's about it.

Mark Trail Recap: Zeno's Paradox, Applied Liberally

So sorry to be tardy on the Mark Trail updates, but pressing matters have taken up most of my week, and let's face it, there are few matters less pressing than Mark Trail. Let's begin.

Monday, July 9










Jack Elrod begins the week yet again preoccupied with keeping readers up to speed through the empty vessel known as Samantha Sam Sam Sammy Sam Samantherson. Mark and Sam have wrapped up their nearly week-long "yell, respond, and repeat" session with noted flannelphile Airport Manager, who isn't afraid to let his office's left blue curtain do the talking for him.












Rather than use the free moment to track down the perpetrators before they strike again, the duo decides to stop in for a quick bite at the only restaurant in the area that shares their disdain for the physical concepts of time and space. Sam compounds Mark's no-look door-opening gesture with equally awkward close-up dialogue. Panel two sheds light on the true secret of Samantha's irrepressible blue coif: forehead coloring.

Tuesday, June 10

Panel one suggests that Sam's breasts have regained the lead in Sammy Sam Explosion Watch 2007, but panel two sets us straight. Or scares the holy fucking crap out of anyone unfortunate enough to look at it for more than three seconds.

Mark may be right about the bad publicity, but there are probably thousands of ways to better catalyze a multimillion-dollar airport relocation than through birdstrikes. For example, planestrikes.

As we know all too well by now, coffee is usually a precursor for action in Mark Trail, and this time is no different...

Wednesday, July 11

...as Sam and Mark finally take a panel to look at the puzzle they finished piecing together several weeks ago and identify the municipal offenders, whom they ran into at the site of the bird-sprinkling one day before it went down.

(From June 1, for christ's sake.)

Only time--probably a lot of it--will tell if our anti-heroes can thwart the commissionerz n' friendz scheme before another bird suffers at the hands of a recreational pilot. Sam seems to have parked her car in the suddenly maritime restaurant, facilitating a quick exit, so they may be on the right track. Her breasts will call Mark later.

Thanks to Julia for all the great work she did over the weekend.

Trail Adventure Recap: Airport Bird Strike Mania

One of the larger problems in "Mark Trail" is that an adventure which encompasses roughly 1 week in real time will take roughly 8 weeks to resolve itself in Trail time. Fortunately, nothing really happens during these 8-week installments, so it's easy to catch up, if you have the right guide.

Here's what's happened in this adventure so far:



Fresh off of busting a friend's half-hearted/all-retarded insurance fraud scheme, woodsy journalist Mark Trail sets his khak-tastic sights on a hot new story: bird strikes at airports. Judging by her seductive perch in panel three, Cherry seems to be the perfect mate for the Trailster; all it takes to get her going is a little talk about "a friend with the wildlife service" and plans "to visit some airports." What a slut.

A talk with Wildlife Service Friend leads Mark to the office of Local Airport Manager, who credits his airport's reduction in bird strikes to sexy biologist daughter Sam Hill. If the strip above is any indication, this will be the last time Samantha Sammy Samantha Sam Sam's name will ever be mentioned. Alas, panel three will not be the last time anybody's face becomes horribly distorted as the storyline progresses.



Look out, here comes trouble. Municipal trouble.

Co-commissioners Lawson Mills (big blazer-tugging ginger) and Leo Smith (big whiny bitch) are looking to make a little scratch off of some useless land they own by selling it to their municipality as a site for a new airport. This plan is ripe with miscalculations, the first being that no voting district has ever approved construction of a new airport for fear of bird strikes.

Critical miscalculation No. 2: everything else about the plan. In the end, Lawson and Leo forego sprinkling birdseed on the airport in favor of a much more devious arrangement--sprinkling birds on the airport. There are several anthropomorphic players in this wicked game:

Branch-Kicking Skunk and Larger Building in Distant Urban Landscape

Awe-tistic Hawk

Tumblz the Optimistic Dysplasial Bunny

And lastly, Buzzard, the hunting guide with a penchant for fondling what dwells beneath his overalls:

Mark and Sammy Sam Sam Samantha Sam Samerson Sam Sam have a brief encounter with the Commissioners, but they fail to see through Lawson's "I know a problem when I see one, my right arm hasn't grown since the 4th Grade" subterfuge.

Trouble appears to be brewing in mustache paradise, however, as Leo appears visibly distraught at the sight of Lawson caressing Mark's burly shoulder in panel two. If the commissioners' ability to maintain personal relationships is as bad as Jack Elrod's ability to maintain spatial relationships, then life for these two could be getting worse, or just more confusing than it already is.

Speaking of confusion....

Unfortunately for Mark and Sammy Sam Sam, their joyride around in the airport in her plane, "Duck Fucker 4," coincided with Buzzard's bird-sprinkling schedule, and chaos ensued. Fortunately for us, Sam got seriously hurt.

After announcing to the world that he took the controls, Duck Fucker 4 landed itself safely at the airport, and Mark's crotch jump-started the investigation.

That was 11 days ago. Since then, little has happened in the way of investigating. Mark went back to the scene of the duck crushing to gather some evidence and misidentify the gender of the bird Sam killed...

took some "Mark time" in the hotel to talk to Cherry through her gigantic phone...

and twice visited a hilariously bandaged Sam to dry-hump a large plank of wood and provide evasive answers to her questions, all the while staring at her abundant cans.

And that's where we stand. Future synopses will not be as long as this one.